Dateline: Monday the ninth of Summer
I received an "anonymous" letter, but it's clearly from my Arch nemesis, about a upcoming scheme. It went into no detail, unsurprisingly, but it did mention a local bar. Figuring I could use a drink, I decided to swing by for a little while. The place was quiet, with a rabble that the bartender looked accustomed to. There was nothing out of the ordinary. On my way out, a jazz band led by one Seppo Ilmarinen (Swedish, I'd guess), entered the establishment, presumably to perform, or relax after a prior performance elsewhere.
On my way home, I was stopped by a rather drunken looking old man, who addressed himself as "Henderson." I asked if Henderson was his first or last name, but he, instead of answering, went into a slurred rant about his "wee men" and how they were kidnapped. I told him I don't do that kind of case, and continued on my way.
I got to thinking about Arch nemesis's potential schemes, recalling our encounter at the bay. Are all of his upcoming schemes equally as arbitrary, or is there some hidden reason for his odd plans?
He must be off of his head, I thought, before remembering the crate for the Red Cross and Orphanage facility that he apparently owns.
I will look into this soon, after I figure out how to smoke without a mouth. It's difficult, to say the least.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
A Brush with Death, Esquire
Dateline: Saturday the seventh of Summer.
I walked my way down to Portmouth Bay the other day following a lead that suggested my Arch nemesis had been seen on the beach, throwing cans into the ocean for devious unexplained reasons. If there's anything I despise more than people with faces, it's people who throw cans into the ocean.
By the time I got there, my Arch nemesis had just ran out of cans to throw and was now tossing innocent innocuous taxpaying puppies into the water. I stood there, hands on my hips, choosing not to intervene and to wait for him to stop throwing dogs for five seconds and notice me.
This took three hours.
Eventually, as he picked up his next puppy from an industrial-sized box labeled "PROPERTY OF ARCH NEMESIS'S RED CROSS AND ORPHANAGE," he reached into his hoody's pocket for a lighter to light this one on fire with, and in turning his head he finally spotted me.
We stood there, mano y esbelto mano, me staring into his gas-masked deadlights and him staring at my general face area, for a few minutes.
For ten seconds, it was tense. Then it got a little awkward, but we kept staring!
Finally, he shouted "CATCH" and threw the puppy at me, making a break for it. Little did he know, it would have taken far more than a "throw puppy at me and run" gambit to stop the gold medal winner in Uni Track and Field.
Our chase continued down a lot of alleyways and a lot of streets, to the point where I began to wonder if this city had any detail to it at all beyond "alleyways" and "streets." I'm not even sure, thinking back, if any of the streets or buildings had names. There was one bit of detail, though: A restaurant that Arch nemesis ran into. Unfortunately for him, the restaurant was closed, so he really did run into it!
Into the door, that is!
Literally!
This opening gave me just enough time to grab him by the scruff of his hoody and wind up my fist for a classic no-holds-barred slenderpunch-out. In between punches, he took out his iPhone, pointed it at himself, and posed, an action I did not understand at the time but respectfully gave him time to perform before returning to bringing the noise.
After a few more punches, I grabbed his gas mask and ripped it off of him, holding it up for the world to see, shouting "AT LAST, MY ARCH NEMESIS HAS FINALLY BEEN UNMASKED!"
Then I just kinda stared at him for a little while because underneath his gas mask was another gas mask.
But this lull in action gave him ample opportunity to flee the scene of the crime-- my crime, that is, as I was immediately tapped on the shoulder by a police officer who proceeded to arrest me for physical assault.
I'm now forbidden from getting within 30 feet of that restaurant.
What more, imagine my face when I logged onto Facebook next and saw this on my dashboard:
"#beatdown selfie #Arch nemesis #the Arch is bolded #swag 4 life #THE MAN wont bring me down lol"
I don't know how he manages to keep doing this.
I walked my way down to Portmouth Bay the other day following a lead that suggested my Arch nemesis had been seen on the beach, throwing cans into the ocean for devious unexplained reasons. If there's anything I despise more than people with faces, it's people who throw cans into the ocean.
By the time I got there, my Arch nemesis had just ran out of cans to throw and was now tossing innocent innocuous taxpaying puppies into the water. I stood there, hands on my hips, choosing not to intervene and to wait for him to stop throwing dogs for five seconds and notice me.
This took three hours.
Eventually, as he picked up his next puppy from an industrial-sized box labeled "PROPERTY OF ARCH NEMESIS'S RED CROSS AND ORPHANAGE," he reached into his hoody's pocket for a lighter to light this one on fire with, and in turning his head he finally spotted me.
We stood there, mano y esbelto mano, me staring into his gas-masked deadlights and him staring at my general face area, for a few minutes.
For ten seconds, it was tense. Then it got a little awkward, but we kept staring!
Finally, he shouted "CATCH" and threw the puppy at me, making a break for it. Little did he know, it would have taken far more than a "throw puppy at me and run" gambit to stop the gold medal winner in Uni Track and Field.
Our chase continued down a lot of alleyways and a lot of streets, to the point where I began to wonder if this city had any detail to it at all beyond "alleyways" and "streets." I'm not even sure, thinking back, if any of the streets or buildings had names. There was one bit of detail, though: A restaurant that Arch nemesis ran into. Unfortunately for him, the restaurant was closed, so he really did run into it!
Into the door, that is!
Literally!
This opening gave me just enough time to grab him by the scruff of his hoody and wind up my fist for a classic no-holds-barred slenderpunch-out. In between punches, he took out his iPhone, pointed it at himself, and posed, an action I did not understand at the time but respectfully gave him time to perform before returning to bringing the noise.
After a few more punches, I grabbed his gas mask and ripped it off of him, holding it up for the world to see, shouting "AT LAST, MY ARCH NEMESIS HAS FINALLY BEEN UNMASKED!"
Then I just kinda stared at him for a little while because underneath his gas mask was another gas mask.
But this lull in action gave him ample opportunity to flee the scene of the crime-- my crime, that is, as I was immediately tapped on the shoulder by a police officer who proceeded to arrest me for physical assault.
I'm now forbidden from getting within 30 feet of that restaurant.
What more, imagine my face when I logged onto Facebook next and saw this on my dashboard:
I don't know how he manages to keep doing this.
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